Twilight is having a bit of a renaissance, so I bit the fuckin bullet and smoked the fuckin cigarette metaphor and read the whole thing so y’all didn’t have to. I took notes. NOTES. Here’s my piping hot take:
This is a bad book y’all. Like, supremely bad. It’s not even funny bad or enjoyably bad or so highly cursed it’s at least interesting. It’s just bad.
It starts off with a fuckin bible verse. This bible verse:
Which is supposed to draw comparisons between Bella and Eve, where the tree of knowledge is edward’s true nature and the snake is Edward’s supreme hotness. Stephanie is trying to imply that once Bella learns about Edwards vampirism, Bella is going to die. But like. Bella doesn’t die. She isn’t even in danger until the last 100 pages bc we all know Edwards bitchass isn’t gonna eat her. Stephanie Meyer doesn’t have the balls.
Fuckin. Everyone gives the Aro laughed ha ha ha he giggled line so much shit but like. LOOK AT THIS:
BUT I COULD SEE THE SACRIFICE IN HER EYES BEHIND THE PROMISE?? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? She literally wrote the words in the wrong order. This sentence should’ve been “but I saw the sacrifice in the promise behind her eyes”. Like that’s not a good sentence but at least ITS COMPREHENSIBLE.
And the FUCKING PLOT. It’s. Bad. Bella goes to school. Bella gets lost in Seattle. Bella stares at Edward and thinks about how pretty he is. The actually interesting/action-filled part can’t happen until Bella meets Edwards family, and that doesn’t happen until PAGE 322. OUT OF 498.
Stephanie Meyer has never met pacing, because this book fucking has none. Bella suddenly likes Edward because, uh, he’s hot? I guess? They had three conversations, each one ending with Bella storming off in a fit of rage? Bella and Edward are dating? Because they kissed? I guess? Edward watched Bella sleep and it’s totally not creepy guys, because he was SO in love with her, I guess, because they haven’t even said I love you yet, but it doesn’t matter, because now Bella is ready to DIE for Edward, isn’t that great?
Y’all. We give Bella a hard time because she doesn’t have any character. That’s a lie. She has character, and it’s pure bitchiness. She hates her new school. Okay, I guess. She hates her nice new friends. Alright? She hates the color green? And plants? And sharing a bathroom with one other person? And Edward, for like. 100 pages. She’s incredibly self absorbed and has super low self esteem, to the point that she thinks wearing a neck brace bc you hurt yourself is embarrassing. Like. Calm down. She’s also a pretentious bastard who thinks a khaki skirt is dressy. And whenever she’s not mooning after Edward or passing out or hyperventilating, she’s pissed at something. Maybe it’s the sky. Maybe it’s her fucking pale skin that she mentioned 10,000 times. This book felt like it took place in middle school instead of fucking high school, and it was solely because of Bella.
And Edward. He’s a creep. He talks like an incel. He’s constantly telling Bella how dangerous he is without showing us like. Proof. Oh and he WATCHED HER SLEEP FOR MONTHS.
Which leads us to the fundamental question: why the hell did anyone ever like this?
After deep thought and much consideration, I’ve come to a conclusion. Despite their many flaws, Edward and Bella have a rapport. They talk to each other like real human people.
Look at this. Like, ignore the shitty narration and just look at the dialogue. This is like. A normal conversation someone could maybe have. Bella made a joke. And sure, every time they talk it follows the same fucking pattern (joke, joke, Bella gets angry, Edward gets angry, Edward says something mean or serious, Bella storms off. I’m starting to think stephanie doesn’t know how to transition very well), but they still talk to each other like real people would.
You don’t normally see this in like. 99% of romances, point blank. They’re always making sweeping declarations of love, or crying because something bad happened, or fighting. There’s no BANTER. Bella and Edward, god help me, have banter.
So that’s why twilight fooled people into thinking it was a romance, but there’s another reason why people like it. Bella ain’t stupid.
I mean yes. She is. She’s so stupid. But when she notices Edwards eyes change color, she doesn’t brush it off, she gets curious. She notices when Edward moves too fast, or talks like a Jane Austen love interest. She’s observant. She discovers Edward is a vampire because she got suspicious and googled it. Edward didn’t even do anything. She didn’t have to see him eating someone or turning into a fucking bat or whatever. She was allowed to be as observant as a real person would’ve been. Maybe a little more.
And like. This book came out in 2005. It’s not like there were many other places people could go for a heroine who was allowed to be smart, or a romance that had actual banter.
Does that make this book good? No. Hell no. It was a chore to read, and I hated every minute of it. I had to read a fucking NATIVE AMERICAN VERSION OF THE NOAHS ARC STORY THAT STEPHANIE MEYER TRIED TO PASS OFF AN AN AUTHENTIC MYTH. IT WAS THE WORST THING IVE EVER SEEN. This book might’ve done two things passably well, but it still did 15672 OTHER things spectacularly badly. And it’s not like I walked into this expecting it to be super awful. I was expecting a bad storyline and surprisingly good prose, not this dumpster fire of a book. No, fire is too exciting. This is more like a pile of shit.
In conclusion why the FUCK are y’all making memes of this? IT WAS SO BORING I DONT GET IT
Listen I didn’t do all this work so y’all could just IGNORE IT
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