I just realised that our parents LITERALLY NEVER showed the slightest bit of interest in any of our hobbies or interests except when we picked up their hobbies or it was for school. Everything else was always, automatically annoying, bothersome and a waste of time and silly.
10 years later we still feel convinced that what we like will only ever be annoying and bothersome to others.
What’s fucked me up is that I’ve only recently realized that I actually isolate myself by hiding my hobbies and interests from pretty much everyone I know in real life in order to avoid potential ridicule.
Like, oh shit, that pattern of behavior…where I only share my interests with folks online…that comes right from feeling like there was no one else I could share my interests with back when I was a teenager.
Reading this helped me realize that I did the same thing for the longest time. Tbh I still do it. I’m still afraid to talk too much about the stuff I’m interested in to people that I love and trust. This is one of the hallmarks of childhood emotional neglect that can impact your relationships for decades if you’re unaware of this behavior and where it comes from.
It’s good for threads like these to exist so that it can assure other people with similar family household atmospheres that this is not normal. That they’re allowed to feel hurt over their harmless hobbies being harshly invalidated.
A reminder to open up
I have a couple stories about this. For reference, my favorite hobbies are geology(minerology and gemology specifically), jewelry making, and chainmail making.
I went into a geology store with my family and walked around, showing them random rocks and telling them what they were and some random facts. Eventually the woman behind the counter came up to me and she tells me I know a lot about rocks and gems and asks where I learned all of it. I completely froze up and I couldn’t answer at first. I’ve never had anyone ask that and it was awkward and embarrassing to have someone actually interested in my hobby. But eventually I tell her I’m entirely self taught and learned from books. She told me it was impressive. The professional geologist running the store told me it was impressive. I have to keep reminding myself that because my interests get put down all the time and I get told to “find a real hobby”.
More recently, I went to a renaissance fair in my area. I met a man and his apprentice who make chainmail. While I was browsing he started talking to me and I told him I awkwardly tell him I make small chainmail stuff but have only worked with smaller gauge. When I said I wanted to work with bigger gauge wire, he came around the counter and showed me his tools and how to make a chainmail ball and even told me the best way to find cheap wire. I also met many people who made wire jewelry and they were impressed with the crown I made from wire. I still feel bad for talking to them about my hobbies! I still feel like I wasted their time and annoyed them with how much I talked about it!
It’s not normal. My partner had something similar happen to them too. I only recently found out they like blacksmithing and built themself a makeshift smithing pit in their backyard. They seemed really awkward when we met the blacksmiths at the renaissance fair, but they were paying close attention to me asking questions about the tools for my brother. After I mentioned I would like to try it too, they started telling me about what they used to make the pit in their backyard. You shouldn’t be afraid to share your hobbies or interests.
To everyone who’ve had parents or other adults do this to you: it’s not normal. Or rather, it’s not uncommon but it’s so very not okay. Your interests are valid and you engaging in them is super great! I hope everyone finds a person who appreciates their enthusiasm, be it for knitting, or football, or Minecraft, or what have you!
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