polythought:

Here’s my take on monogamous people who get all defensive when poly people turn a critical eye towards “monogamy culture.”

Defensive mono people think we’re saying that monogamy is bad because we are saying “these bad behaviors are a product of monogamy” rather than “these bad behaviors are a product of people being shitty.”

The thing is, WE’RE NOT SAYING THAT.

Of COURSE anyone can behave in shitty ways regardless of relationship style. No one is saying that poly people are ~above all that~.

We’re just saying that there’s something to be added to the conversation about shitty relationship behaviors by talking about the cultural expectations surrounding monogamy.

What we’re trying to draw attention to is that a lot of people will shrug off shitty behaviors by using monogamy as a DEFENSE.

As in, it’s okay to be possessive of someone and not “let” them spend too much time with friends because that’s romanticized in the ideal of monogamous love. Some people will legitimately overlook toxic behaviors because they’re normalized in, oh, almost every romantic comedy.

It’s not that every monogamous relationship is like that. It’s not that no polyamorous relationship is like that. It’s just that if we can’t talk about the normalization of toxic behaviors due to an unattainable monogamous ideal, we don’t have as robust of a context in which to try to thwart those behaviors.

All I’m really trying to say is that monogamy, and monogamous norms, shouldn’t be used as a DEFENSE for bad behavior. And being able to name monogamy in that idea helps us to better challenge all the baggage that goes along with “monogamy culture.”

It’s like toxic masculinity. Toxic masculinity doesn’t mean masculinity is bad. Talking about toxic masculinity doesn’t mean people are trying to take down the very idea of masculinity. If anything, we’re just trying to make masculinity a MORE PLEASANT AND SAFE EXPERIENCE for masculine people.

Really, I see the critique of toxic monogamy in exactly the same way. I would love for all monogamous people to feel unfettered by oppressive monogamous ideals, and for everyone to be able to comfortably choose either monogamy or nonmonogamy and feel safe and empowered.